Heart Broken

I've been staring at this blank page for some time now. So many things going through my mind, yet so hard to put into words. I've gone back and forth a million times in my head- should I publish this post? Will people think it's weird? Will people judge me?

This is real life stuff. I don't live in some fantasy world filled with rainbows and butterflies. Real life stuff happens to real life people. This is my blog about my life- and someone out there will appreciate this. Someone out there will relate to this. Someone out there will remember this. So, that is why I have decided to do this blog post. Not because I want you to feel sorry for me. Not because I am looking for attention. But because I think its okay for women to feel like they can share their stories. No one should ever feel alone in whatever battle they may be fighting.

Last Tuesday at my 16 week OB check up, Evan and I found out we lost our baby. No heartbeat. After an ultrasound, it was confirmed that our baby was no longer with us. Last Tuesday had to be the longest day of my life. I'm not sure how to even put it into words. There was a baby, and then there wasn't. Confusing, painful, foggy. It felt like some kind of cruel joke. How did this happen? What did I do? To this minute, my mind hasn't stopped.

Unless you've been through it, no one can ever understand what it is like. I was scheduled Wednesday morning for a procedure at the hospital to remove our baby. "Remove" sounds like such a horrible word to use, but I can't come up with a better one.  I tried to muster through the day on Tuesday knowing that the next day I would go to the hospital with a baby, and come home without one. A thought that haunted me. A thought that made me sick. Those two days were extremely challenging for Evan and me. Challenging doesn't even put it into perspective. Painful and emotionally draining. Heartbreaking. I could go on.

After my procedure, we learned we had a boy. We named our sweet son Daniel. Daniel is a strong name for a strong little boy.

Many days have passed, but I'm not sure how they have. Hours have felt like days, and days have felt like years. If it wasn't for the amazing out pouring of love and support from our family and friends- I'm not sure how we could have made it this far.

The only thing that has given me comfort and peace during this time is knowing that The Lord is holding our Daniel tight. Daniel is home. The Lord rescued him- he did not allow him any suffering. He did not allow him any pain. For that I am forever grateful. I know and believe with all my heart Daniel and I will meet again. We have a very special guardian angel with us always.

It has been 9 days since we lost our sweet child. I have learned so much in 9 days. I've learned things about myself, I've learned things about life, I've learned that I take so much for granted. Nothing is promised. I've learned that my faith in God is stronger than I realized.

Our plan wasn't God's plan- but in his timing comes beautiful things. With time comes healing. But, healing does not mean forgetting.

I look at our beautiful son Ethan in a different light. What an amazing, amazing blessing from God.

So, there it is. There you have it. My story.

To those of you who have prayed, sent cards, sent flowers, helped care for Ethan, expressed kind words, sent food, and been a shoulder to cry on...you have no idea how much it has meant to Evan and me.

Even through loss, we are blessed.