Strength

I am so moved by the outpouring of love and comments I received regarding my last post. After publishing my blog on Friday night, I went to bed with a heavy heart, unsure of whether I did the right thing.

 I woke up the next morning and logged in. I couldn't believe my eyes. Over 40 comments, handfuls of private messages and emails. I was blown away by the amount of people who thanked me for sharing my story. I was blown away by the amount of people who called me "brave". Certainly not something I expected. So, for that, I thank you. Each and every one of you.

What really meant the most to me, was the number of women who had the strength to share their own story with me. I will cherish those stories, and hold them close to my heart. Most of all, I will pray for each of you. As a matter of fact, I have written every single one of your names down in my journal so I don't forget a single person.

Together, we are strong.

Through all of this, God has drawn me closer to him. Through all of this, Daniel has done some pretty amazing things in my life. He has helped draw me closer to those who I have lost touch with, he has lead me to reach out to other women. Daniel and God have shown me that even through hurt, even through pain, there is hope. There is strength. There are blessings among us.

The days pass and I'm still left confused and hurt. I don't think anything will ever change that. Nothing can ever fill the deep dark hole of loosing a child. But, with each day that passes, I feel a little bit of hope, and a little bit of strength being placed back in my life. With each day that passes, I feel like God has given me something to hold onto.  God places angels among us. He puts the right people in your life at the right time.

As my story continues to unfold, I pray that God will continue to give me strength. With each day that passes, I pray for the faith that will allow me to continue to put one foot in front of the other, not knowing where it may take me.

Heart Broken

I've been staring at this blank page for some time now. So many things going through my mind, yet so hard to put into words. I've gone back and forth a million times in my head- should I publish this post? Will people think it's weird? Will people judge me?

This is real life stuff. I don't live in some fantasy world filled with rainbows and butterflies. Real life stuff happens to real life people. This is my blog about my life- and someone out there will appreciate this. Someone out there will relate to this. Someone out there will remember this. So, that is why I have decided to do this blog post. Not because I want you to feel sorry for me. Not because I am looking for attention. But because I think its okay for women to feel like they can share their stories. No one should ever feel alone in whatever battle they may be fighting.

Last Tuesday at my 16 week OB check up, Evan and I found out we lost our baby. No heartbeat. After an ultrasound, it was confirmed that our baby was no longer with us. Last Tuesday had to be the longest day of my life. I'm not sure how to even put it into words. There was a baby, and then there wasn't. Confusing, painful, foggy. It felt like some kind of cruel joke. How did this happen? What did I do? To this minute, my mind hasn't stopped.

Unless you've been through it, no one can ever understand what it is like. I was scheduled Wednesday morning for a procedure at the hospital to remove our baby. "Remove" sounds like such a horrible word to use, but I can't come up with a better one.  I tried to muster through the day on Tuesday knowing that the next day I would go to the hospital with a baby, and come home without one. A thought that haunted me. A thought that made me sick. Those two days were extremely challenging for Evan and me. Challenging doesn't even put it into perspective. Painful and emotionally draining. Heartbreaking. I could go on.

After my procedure, we learned we had a boy. We named our sweet son Daniel. Daniel is a strong name for a strong little boy.

Many days have passed, but I'm not sure how they have. Hours have felt like days, and days have felt like years. If it wasn't for the amazing out pouring of love and support from our family and friends- I'm not sure how we could have made it this far.

The only thing that has given me comfort and peace during this time is knowing that The Lord is holding our Daniel tight. Daniel is home. The Lord rescued him- he did not allow him any suffering. He did not allow him any pain. For that I am forever grateful. I know and believe with all my heart Daniel and I will meet again. We have a very special guardian angel with us always.

It has been 9 days since we lost our sweet child. I have learned so much in 9 days. I've learned things about myself, I've learned things about life, I've learned that I take so much for granted. Nothing is promised. I've learned that my faith in God is stronger than I realized.

Our plan wasn't God's plan- but in his timing comes beautiful things. With time comes healing. But, healing does not mean forgetting.

I look at our beautiful son Ethan in a different light. What an amazing, amazing blessing from God.

So, there it is. There you have it. My story.

To those of you who have prayed, sent cards, sent flowers, helped care for Ethan, expressed kind words, sent food, and been a shoulder to cry on...you have no idea how much it has meant to Evan and me.

Even through loss, we are blessed.

New Years Eve

The holiday fun continued with a great New Year's Eve. Our wonderful friends, Sam, Josh, and Izzy came over- and we all had a blast...little ones included.

I'm sure you've seen many pictures on my blog of Izzy- who is Ethan's BFF. They had so much fun together. It was really nice to spend the evening family style, kids included.

We had lots of yummy snacks to eat and played games while the kids had their own fun upstairs in the play room. Sam also brought some fun games for the kids, along with other kid friendly party supplies such as hats, and noise makers. Ethan made it until about 10:45pm when the grumpiness took over- and we knew it was time for bed. Since of course- our child will NOT sleep in regardless of the time he goes to bed.

 

Aren't these two adorable?

 

Mom, it's party time!

Our two little party animals started crashing around 10. So we put Cinderella on and they snuggled until bed time. :)

 

 

Evan and I actually made it to midnight. Just as the new year came, Evan surprised me when he pulled out this little wrapped box. He bought me a beautiful pair of pearl earrings- since baby #2's birthstone is pearl. :) It was so sweet and so thoughtful! What a great way to start off a new year!

 

2014 was very good to me and our family. We can't wait to see what 2015 holds for us!

 

Blessings to each of you in 2015! 

Christmas Day

I could sum up Christmas Day in one word...perfect.

Our day started when Ethan woke up- and we headed downstairs to see what Santa left for him.

Side note- apologies in advance...I got a little picture happy. :)

 

He was pretty thrilled about all his "trucks" and his soccer ball which he specifically asked Santa for.

 

After spending some time opening gifts, we headed over to my parents house. Christmas growing up was a really big deal in our house. It has always been one of my most cherished memories. My parents always work so hard to make the day special. That tradition continues, and I'm so glad that Evan and Ethan now get to experience that with me.  

 

Here is what the tree looked like before the madness hit-

 

 

 

Ethan's stocking was laying on a table that my dad put together and painted for him. I love this little table.

 

 

Evan was thrilled with his new power drill and laser measurer compliments of my dad's company, Hilti. Oh and notice the hat...he couldn't wait to put on his new Chargers hat.

 

Don't let the pictures fool ya. Even though they are mostly all of Ethan, Evan and I got spoiled pretty good, too.

This fire truck is just about as big as he is. Thanks Michael! My sisters new fiancé knows the way to this kids heart.

 



 

The grand finale was this awesome train set made by Caterpillar. I had no idea CAT made trains that carried construction equipment. My dad is liking having a boy around.

 

Family shot in our Christmas jammies. Another cherished tradition that started many many years ago.

 

Our day couldn't have gone better. Ethan was amazing- and Evan and I really enjoyed ourselves. We stayed in our jammies all day (I mean does it get any better than that?!) and had heavy snacks for dinner...which to me is the best kind of meal. By far, the best Christmas we've had since bringing a child into the world. This is a Christmas I will remember forever.

 

 

The day after Christmas Ethan's GiGi and Grandad (Evan's dad and step mom) came over to give him his gift. And what a gift it was...

 

 

I think the look on his face just about sums it up. Now if he could just learn how to drive this thing without killing anyone or running over someone's mail box we'd be in good shape. :)

 

Happy hump day everyone!





Christmas Eve

Since we've been married, Evan and I have spent our Christmas Eve's at his mom and step dad's.  Then, on Christmas Day we spend the day at my parents house.   We learned early on that it is just too stressful and exhausting to try and hit both parents houses on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Our Christmas Eve this year was very relaxing. We arrived close to lunch time- and since my birthday is Christmas Day, we had a "birthday lunch". All my favorite things were in order. Lynn's home made pimento cheese, chicken salad and ham rolls. It was delicious. Then after lunch, we let Ethan open a few of his gifts before his nap. Two of his favorite gifts were a mini construction set, and a wooden Melissa & Doug truck that carried an excavator.

During Ethan's nap our families exchanged gifts and just enjoyed each others company.  When Ethan woke up, he was very content to play with all his new toys- which was wonderful since no entertainment was required from his parents. :)

Dinner consisted of pork tenderloin, 7 layer salad (my favorite) and home made sweet potato fries. For dessert- layered chocolate cake. By that time it was getting late, and Mr. and Mrs. Claus still had some wrapping to do!

I had a hard time getting little one down to bed. He was just too excited about Santa- and wanted to play with the new toys he had just received. We left cookies out for Santa with a glass of milk. After many trips in and out of his bed, I think he finally settled in around 11:30pm.

I too was excited about what the next morning would hold. I couldn't wait to see the look on Ethan's face on Christmas morning. I don't think I fell asleep until around 3:30am. Evan of course was snoring the second his head hit the pillow...figures. Seriously, how DO they do it?

Stay tuned for my next blog on Christmas Day. It was an amazing day!

December Happenings

So before I blog on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years Eve, there were a few important events that occurred in December worth blogging about.

First, we were finally able to announce that Ethan is going to be a big brother in June. It seemed like an eternity before we felt like it was okay to announce my pregnancy. I am 15 weeks along now, and feeling great. This pregnancy compared to Ethan's has been a breeze (thank God).  With Ethan I was nauseated for 20 solid weeks. Morning, day, and night. Not just your typical nausea either. It was the type that literally paralyzed you. The only thing that made it better was laying on my side and not moving. Thankfully this time I was only nauseated from weeks 8-13. My doctor game me some awesome meds that made it a million times better. I mean- someone's gotta chase Ethan around.

Ethan seems to be warming up to the idea of a sibling quite well. For now that is. He has always called the baby a "her" or a "she" and has named the baby "Abby". I have no idea where that name came from...but I think it's adorable. I am hoping that Ethan's intuition of a baby sister will turn out to be true! Either way, we are all excited (and a bit nervous too) and can't believe how quickly this pregnancy is progressing.

 

 

While we are on the subject of Ethan- he had his Christmas preschool program a couple of weeks ago. It was absolutely adorable. They sang several songs- well some of them sang. Ethan decided that starting blankly into the crowd would be a better suited plan. Can't say I blame him. I mean he has never done anything like this before. I'd say it was a total success considering none of them went running and crying to their parents as soon as they saw them in the crowd.

 

...And then there was me and my raging pregnancy hormones. Yeah I pretty much cried through the entire thing. It was rough.

 

 

 

Lastly...and I saved the best for last. My sister Jessica got engaged on December 20th! She knocked on my door with a chalk board sign that read "will you be my matron of honor"? I was totally caught off guard...and so excited to say the least. Apparently there was a lot of screeching on my part- according to my husband. :)

 

 

A wedding date of October 16th has already been set. So, 2015 will be a busy, but fun year for our family. A baby, and a new brother in law.  Doesn't get any better than that people.